Guilt

Tomorrow, we are starting Emma at her sitter for a half a day. She will go a few days next week as well. I was given advice to start her before I go back to work so that she could get used to a new place and new people. To be honest, I think part of it is to get me used to it. Starting this school year is going to be absolutely heart wrenching. Emma has visited her sitter a few times and knows who she is. Today, we went over to give her paperwork and double check on what I needed to bring for tomorrow. I got home, hung out with Emma and it hit me like a Mack truck. Guilt. J got home and I started to get her stuff together for the sitter and Guilt was sitting on my shoulder, incessantly poking me. As I write this, Guilt is working on my tear ducts.

I have full confidence in our sitter, that is not the issue. Emma is changing so much and learning so much that I am afraid to miss anything. I asked her sitter NOT to tell me if she rolls over for the first time while she's there. I figure what I don't know won't hurt me. I want to think that we get to see it first, and hopefully we will.

I feel Guilt because I just want to be home with Emma. I love my job and know that I would not be happy as a stay at home mom, but jeez-us.

Guilt may be a constant companion. I feel like Guilt is a little devil, chilling on my shoulder, ready to attack whenever Guilt decides it's appropriate. I won't cry in front of people, but my mind will be with Emma. I'll probably seem a little lost, but I'll try to keep my composure. I'll just have little patience for wasting my time... my time that could be used in a more appropriate way. Like, with Emma.

Screw this. And screw you, Guilt. We are not friends.